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By middle school she had a serious boyfriend and she was always with him and never had time for me. You’re just not popular enough.’ I believed everything she said about me, so I didn’t run. She laughed at me and said, ‘You’ll never get elected, so you shouldn’t run. I remember when I told her that I had been asked to run for class secretary in middle school. She would even get nasty and critical if I told her about something good that happened. She never got very involved in anything I did. She had a big, important job, and as I grew up, I didn’t see so much of her. She never seemed very interested in me, either. When I would go home to my mother and complain, she would hardly listen. I could never get anything right, and they were so pretty and perfect, and I could see they were the children he wanted. He would criticize how I dressed and compare me to my stepsisters. I would visit them three or four times a year. They got married when I was 7, and then he moved to another state. He met this woman, Fran, and all he ever talked about was her. Sometimes he would take me for a weekend, but I never believed he really wanted to. My father left the house and I rarely saw him. When I asked her why, she thought she was stuck in this awful place, her lethargic demeanor changed to anger, and her voice turned strong. She typically entered my office with heaviness and depression, and talked about how miserable her life was and how hopeless she felt. I’m such a loser.” Then Gloria sobbed, “I am just so stuck.” I seem to go from one dead-end job to another.
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I know I’m smarter than that, but I don’t know what else I want to do. For nine months, I’ve been working as an assistant in a recruiting firm where I answer phones and type r ésum és. I can’t seem to keep my jobs for much more than a year. I’m 29 years old and I haven’t been in a relationship for more than three months. Sounding irritated, she explained, “I’m here because I can’t take it anymore. “Gloria” came to her first therapy session with me and immediately began to talk. Blaming parents for their struggles keeps these people stuck in angry, anxious, and depressed feelings, and interferes with their ability to think about what they could do to make their lives different. Or they will fault a parent’s lack of encouragement and involvement when they were growing up for their failure to do well academically or professionally. For example, they might explain their difficulties in relationships by referring to a parent’s emotional coldness, criticalness, or divorce.
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Some people come to therapy full of negativity and anger toward parents whom they hold responsible for the way they feel and the lives they live.
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